just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She told me I should be a condom model.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
try to milk me bitch
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
