New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
