you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize