I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
