I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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