so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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