I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
