did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
