6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
did i just pee glitter
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