NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
