Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
