D3 body, D1 cock
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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