So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
