I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
