Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
