I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
