I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
