Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
