so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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