every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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