dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
