She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
