I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
