I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
