Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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