I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
