Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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