I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
