well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
