At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
