News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
