you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
