Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
