my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
