it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
