when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
