I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
