Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
