Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
