morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
