Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
