the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
