haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
