I puked a lego.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
