Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
