Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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