this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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