y did u give ur computer a hand job?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
