hotel room ftw
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
