Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
