Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
