Will you blow on my dice?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
