She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
