I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
