there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
