he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
