im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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