She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
