All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
