My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
